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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.